I’m a terrible friend. I really am. Not in that I don’t love or don’t care because I do both fiercely. Just sometimes, I can be a bit flighty. More than that, I get scared.
Fear has been a driving force in my life for a very long time. My anxiety is to the point that I can’t hardly bring myself to pick up the phone to call a friend or go hang out with them somewhere. My breath quickens. My insides hurt. I start clenching my fingers together without noticing.
It is only after I have managed to calm down a bit that I can relax my hands and maybe–possibly–pick up the telephone. Sometimes not. Sometimes if I do call, I actually hope to get voice mail so they can call me back as opposed to them saging hello and catching me off guard. Even with calls to friends and family, I rehearse what I want to say when they answer, but my nerves get the best of me and I tend to forget. I might even stall to remember or even to work up more courage.
I do honestly prefer being home most of the time, anyway, only because there is no pressure at home. I find having conversations with Choo-choo to often be less anxiety-producing than with others.
So if you ever get a nervous message from me or if I cancel plans or hesitate to make them in the first place, you now know why. And yes, I am sorry for this. I understand it does not make things any easier, and I am working on that. I just want to say a big thank you to those who have stuck it out through it all with me. Thank you for your kindness, patience, and understanding! ❤️