As I am

To some, it’s silly. Everyone has fears, they say. It’s all an excuse to avoid people or to avoid doing anything. They use the dreaded “c” word. As Diesel has said several times, “Just get over it!”

If only it were that simple. Trust me, I’d love to just get over it. Now, for some people, the “get over it” attitude works. They face their fears and live their lives. If this is how you survive, then good for you. I’m genuinely happy for you.

For me and others like me, however, this is not the case. Being pushed or pressured only makes things worse. When I am pushed into stepping outside my comfort zone, I become paralyzed with fear. The unknown is so terrifying to me that I am unable to make any kind of decision or progress. Sometimes, I end up having panic attacks. (More on those another day.)

Not everyone understands this. They are entitled to their opinions, of course. But I am not crazy and I am not weak. I’m scared. I have trusted and been hurt. I learned not to trust at all. While I am slowly progressing toward less fear, pushing me before I’m ready only sets me back.

I will not be ashamed of my anxiety. I will not be shamed into thinking there is something deeply wrong with me or I’m not trying hard enough. “Oh, you just aren’t fixing the right things about yourself!” Except I’m doing all I can. I try to eat healthier. I try exercise. I have a dozen books on improving mood, turning depression around, being mindful and thankful and calm. I am also in therapy and take needed medication. I battle every day.

I intend on winning the war someday. But until then, I will go about things in my own time. I hope everyone else finds their own way to wellness. Just know you are not alone.

Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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