Mother’s Day

Yesterday was my third Mother’s Day. I haven’t really enjoyed this holiday since having Choo-choo. In fact, I’ve mostly hated it.

On my first Mother’s Day, when Choo-choo was still an infant, I was so miserable that I did not feel like celebrating the holiday in any way. Diesel offered me different options, and I chose having at least part of the day to myself while he and Choo-choo went to lunch with his parents.

Of course, I panicked and cried at the thought of being alone on my very first holiday celebrating my motherhood, so I decided to go lunch with them. Outwardly, I was having a great time. Inside, though, I hovered above the border of happy and depressed. This feeling lasted the rest of the day.

My second Mother’s Day, Diesel, Choo-choo, and I went out to a planned dinner with his parents. I was yet again on the border of happy and depressed. I wasn’t feeling the way I thought I should.

The same happened again this year. I planned to make this year better than the others. I had homemade presents for both my mom and my mother-in-law. I made a special blueberry pancake breakfast for Diesel, Choo-choo, and me. We were going to eat with his parents again. Even with Choo-choo fighting off the last of his cold, this was still going to be a great day.

Except Choo-choo didn’t want to take a nap, and Diesel was tired so he wasn’t as helpful as I’d wanted him to be. When Choo-choo was finally ready to sleep, his coughing made that too difficult. I couldn’t get our mothers’ presents done in time, as they were taking me too long to do.

I found myself frustrated and crying once more. My third Mother’s Day, and I was miserable yet again. This is something I never expected.

I wonder if it’s me, or if it’s the hype that comes along with the holiday. I always dreamed I would feel happy, joyful, and celebrated. Instead, I feel stressed out, pressured, and wanting to end the day before it ever begins.

Please understand that I say this only about me. I love celebrating other moms on this same day. I love letting them all know what wonderful, terrific, loving, kind mothers they are. All the same, if the day no longer existed, I think I’d be okay with that.

 

Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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