Sometimes, I have a burning, almost uncontrollable rage inside me. I’m angry about so many things. I’m angry about my past. I am angry about my birth plan being shot to hell. I’m angry about having suffered for so long with no help. But most of all, I’m angry about not having felt understood.
It might be a total cliché, but I often feel like Bruce Banner, who turns into The Hulk when stressed or ticked off. I really do think sometimes if one could see me in the moment, I’d look like a bulging, green monster.
The normal me feels weak and unappreciated but hates how enraged and emotional my other side is. The alter ego me is brimming with palpable frustration to the point I feel as if I might implode and hates my normal, every day weaknesses.
I have tried many different ways to deal with my anger. I do the deep breathing, of course. I also take a moment to step out of the room when Choo-choo is safe so I can have a bit of a calming break. I have tried cardio workouts, including cardio drumming, in order to express my rage in a healthy way.
The one I have really been thinking about going back to is Yogalates. It is a combination of yoga and Pilates that I have found in the past to be extremely relaxing. I often napped after a full Yogalates session.
In the end, no matter which calming exercise I try, I know I will not be “The Hulk” forever.