Insignificance. There’s nothing quite like it.
Already today, my son has hit me with his toys three times simply because he didn’t notice I was there. I had tried to move out of the way, but Choo-choo wasn’t paying attention to my whereabouts. I don’t blame him, of course, and I know for certain that his inattention was not on purpose. He was busy playing happily and never meant to hurt me.
Still, I already have an issue with feeling invisible. And it’s even worse when those feelings stem from my own child.
I often notice how very little Choo-choo listens to me at times. Granted, it is usually about things he doesn’t want to hear, like “wash your hands” or “pick up your toys” or “it’s time to go now.” But speaking to someone and knowing they aren’t listening is something that really breaks my heart and my spirit.
Then there are the moments where I am left out completely and, from my point of view, intentionally. There was an incident that happened quite a while ago. I was in a room with Diesel, Choo-choo, and some others. Choo-choo was playing next to me. One person was talking to Choo-choo as if I wasn’t there, even in the words they said. I don’t want to give specifics because I never found the courage to speak up to them about it, but my heart was temporarily shattered.
“How can you not see me?” I thought. “How do I not exist to you right now?”
I still haven’t fully recovered from this. I also haven’t mentioned this issue to that person, ever. I haven’t even really told others about it. It’s a difficult topic that would inevitably lead to a messy discussion that I’m not sure I am ready for.
I will say this, though. I know I am not alone in the world. I know my child is not nor will he ever be alone, either. I will do all I can to make sure he never feels like he is.
And I want to tell you all that you are not alone, either. No matter our issues, no matter how much we feel abandoned or invisible, someone cares. It took only one person to shatter me. However, it can also take only one person to pull someone out into the light of joy. Choo-choo will always be that one for me, and I hope to be that one for him and also for whoever needs me.
I won’t give up on my life. I won’t give up the fight because I know I deserve to. We all deserve to.