My heart’s desire

Well, my emotional heart’s temporary desire: food, specifically chocolate. Close up of a cup of tea with roses and chocolate candies on woo

Food has been a big comfort to me, for better or worse. When I am stressed, it is the first thing I feel a need for. While I was breast-feeding Choo-choo, I was limited in food choices due to his milk/soy allergies. My go-to stress food back then was marshmallows. Bags and bags of marshmallows.

Any time I felt the need to either scream or cry, I grabbed a handful of marshmallows and ate one after another until the feeling subsided. Most often, I ate and cried at the same time.

Once Choo-choo was weaned, I had a new world of stress foods opened up to me. Unfortunately, I took advantage. Anything and everything was my new go-to food. I once ate three bags of mini doughnuts in one day. I’ve devoured bags of chips in one sitting. Frankie Heck has containers of frosting; I have jars of Nutella. My last jar, the largest I have ever seen, didn’t live in this house a week before it was all gone.

It wasn’t always this way, though. I craved a lot of healthy foods during my pregnancy. Kale, apples, bananas, berries. I still gained a lot of weight, though. Almost 60 pounds. More than half that was gone two months later, but the rest remained. Then I was on a soy free/dairy free diet along with Choo-choo, and though I was hungry all the time, almost all the rest of the weight melted off. I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes.

Like I said, though, once he weaned, I ate everything I’d been deprived of for at least 6 months. The pounds returned with a vengeance. When I finally realized that I needed to do something about it, I was already outgrowing every item of clothing I owned, maternity clothes included. I became part of a group of friends who encourage each other in workouts and weight loss goals. I bought a bunch of fitness videos. I dug out others I’d had great success with before pregnancy. I asked Diesel to buy me a fitness tracker for Christmas.

With all of this, however, I still struggle. Food is such a comfort to me. It also occupies my mouth to keep me from yelling until I am calm enough to speak with kindness and compassion.

I am now at my heaviest weight ever outside of pregnancy. My original wedding rings no longer fit after pregnancy, so Diesel bought me a wedding band for our anniversary. That is now so tight it has dug a permanent ring into my finger. I recently had to buy a big portion of a new wardrobe because nothing else fit. Not exactly the way I envisioned updating my closet space.

After months of just, “I don’t care. It sucks. I hate this, and I’m going wallow,” I am finally steering myself back on track again. I started cooking healthier meals for me and my family, including vegetarian/vegan meals I hadn’t prepared in far too long. I have started eating more salads again. I add fruits and vegetables to my day wherever possible.

I realized I actually should eat more like Choo-choo. I feed him the healthiest meals I can (at least 95% of the time). He loves fruits, some veggies, beans, sunflower seed butter, and cheese. He eats very little meat and rarely gets anything with unhealthy fats in it.

It will take me a lot of time, I know, but I finally feel worth it. I think that was part of my struggle before. I didn’t feel I deserved to lose all the weight I in some ways forced myself to gain. Hopefully, in six months, or even three, I will have a good progress update for you. I plan on working on myself either way.

Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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