My fears, part three

I have told you all about some of my major fears, which you can read about here and here. There is something else. I never attended college. Not because I wasn’t accepted; I was.

I picked a university six hours from home. My parents and I drove down for the tour. I loved every part of that school, including what was to be my dorm. And though I didn’t have all the money I needed for tuition, I had a plan on how to pay, including loans.

But I didn’t go.

I convinced myself I was staying home for my boyfriend at the time, but this was a lie and quite a pitiful one at that. The whole idea of leaving what I knew, what was comfortable to me, terrified me. I couldn’t even help others choose their colleges either. Several very dear friends asked me for advice on which schools they should attend. Instead of helping, and even instead of explaining what was going on with me, I just shut down. I looked at the websites but never gave my friends answers or opinions. I acted like I couldn’t be bothered when all I wanted to say was how scared I felt for us all leaving each other. What if our friendships broke up because of this?

Unfortunately, some of those friendships fell apart anyway. Those friends still went away to school. I stayed home and suffered quietly in my misery. And that boyfriend I declared as my reason for all of this? Yeah, not only was he so not worth it, but we broke up not too long after as well.

I do realize that a lot of high school seniors feel these very same fears. Being away from home, away from family and friends, in a whole new world. (This is why my therapist very intelligently suggests every high school senior/graduate seek some form of counseling.) However, I let those scary thoughts and worries get the best of me. In many ways, I wish I’d forced myself to go.

Though I cannot do anything about the past, I can do something about the future. I took a short six week online course to test my meddle, my very first post-high school educational class. After discovering that I loved it, I started looking into colleges that offer a bachelor’s degree in my desired field. With that driver’s license I will soon earn, I see a college education nearer to me than ever before.

Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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