What was I doing?

Chocolate question mark



I have always been a little forgetful. Let’s just say I wasn’t the kind of person who could remember to take a pill every day. It worsened during pregnancy. That infamous “pregnancy brain.” While I remembered my vitamins, I began forgetting little things. Where did I put my purse? Did I text that person back? Did I condition my hair?

Throw in the depression, and I couldn’t remember a darn thing. What did I eat? Did I actually eat??

Choo-choo filled most of my thoughts at first. I needed to focus on him to make sure he was okay. I wrote down every time I fed him and how long he ate. This was suggested by his pediatricians when he wasn’t gaining well, but I continued doing so even after he was a healthy weight. I just couldn’t remember otherwise. I was terrified I would forget to feed him and he’d starve.

(Okay, I know he wouldn’t have actually starved. He would have cried, and I would have fed him instantly. The anxiety, however, told me otherwise.)

While I still think of Choo-choo often and make sure his needs are met, I do have space in my mind now for other things. This doesn’t mean I can remember it all. I often have to return to the kitchen during mealtimes to retrieve items forgotten the first trip to the dining room. I have to check my phone or the calendar to know what day it is, sometimes several times a day just to be sure I remember it right. And some of you might have noticed I often forget to add titles to my posts before hitting the “publish” button.

I do take my medicine every day only because it is essential to my mental health. Other than that, I often can’t tell you what I did yesterday or last week without having to think really, really hard about it.

Disgustingly, though, I remember totally random things like what kind of weather we had on any given day or even Vader’s home phone number from 17 years ago. I mean, what is with that??

I bought a book on mindfulness recently. While I haven’t read it yet, I am hoping if I can focus more on the present, I will be able to recall what is most important to me and what I need in the moment.

Have any of you tried mindfulness exercises? I am curious as to how long it takes in practice before it comes as second nature to me.


Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

2 thoughts on “What was I doing?”

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