What if? What if?? What if???
This question has been nagging at me lately. My OCD brings it on, and my depression wallows in it. It’s an obsessive thought that runs rampant if I let it.
I used to let that thought wash over me. I would sit with it until it felt like a normal part of me. Yet it absolutely drove me crazy. Why was it haunting me? Why wouldn’t it just leave me alone?
After some agony and a lot of both prayers and tears, I had gotten to a point when those obsessions were under control. It doesn’t matter, I told myself. I cannot change the past. Wondering will not help me heal. I can only focus on the present and plan for the future.
So the question popped up again unexpectedly.
Once I realized it was happening again, I knew I had two choices. I could get trapped in its cycle, questioning my decisions and choices unendingly. OR I could get to the root of that nasty, plaguing, weed-like peace destroyer.
It seems to me that the moment I begin to second guess myself and my past is often when I am unsure about my present. Am I following the path that will take me where I want to go, or am I only blindly putting one foot in front of the other unaware of my destination? Am I disappointed in me or someone close to me for not living up to what I expected? Is there something I can do right now to help ease my fears, thus reducing those nagging worries?
I wish I had answers. At least I have the tools for fighting back now. I don’t have to just sit back and allow my mind to free fall down into the murky mess of those darn “What ifs” anymore.
I do not want to wallow again nor do I want to live with those depressive musings forever. I want to let go. I need to let go.