Overwhelmed by memories of the past

There is a song I haven’t listened to in years. It’s called “One Sweet Day” and was performed by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men. If you are unfamiliar with the song, it is about having lost loved ones and finding comfort in knowing you will see them again in Heaven. It is sweet and moving and, during the right moods, utterly depressing.

I had a best friend when I was in my pre-teen years who was the daughter of my mom’s friend. My friend I will call Gidget and I spent entire summers at each other’s houses, mostly with me at hers while my parents worked. During that time, I fell for her older brother. Hard. I mean, yeah, I had no idea what love was and I was waayyy too young for anything resembling a relationship, but none of this stopped me from crushing on him.

Gidget and I drifted a bit once summer ended and school started. After all, we lived in different towns. It might as well have been on different continents since we had no control over when we saw each other again. But I still missed her like crazy, and her brother, too. I missed the whole family.

Then tragedy struck. Gidget’s brother died.

My young heart broke. It broke in ways I never knew were possible. I didn’t know how to function in a world where a such a youth, not even 16, could be taken away from his family. I cried and cried and cried. I listened to “One Sweet Day” non-stop. And yet I couldn’t attend the funeral. I couldn’t face any of them. I was so lost in my own pain that I never stopped to think about Gidget’s. And I had no idea what to say to her. How does a 13 year old express such feelings to a friend?

In that time, I lost a crush and my good friend. Gidget and I never spoke after that. I was sure she never wanted to see me again after I failed to be there for her in her time of mourning. I have mentioned before how crappy a friend I am sometimes. This was more than just me being flighty, though.

Once I was no longer mourning, I refused to listen to that song anymore. I lost more loved ones after that time, but “One Sweet Day” never played into my ears. I couldn’t even think of it without feeling my body wanting to crumble into a heap and sob.

I was reading an article yesterday about how Taylor Swift’s new song “Look What You Made Me Do” is topping the charts, knocking off “Despacito.” The article mentioned how “Despacito” tied with “One Sweet Day” in terms of time at the top of the charts. And the words and music were suddenly in my head.

The chorus has played over and over again. I know what comes next though I have tried to shut it up, to shut it out, to never let it enter my mind again.

Even now, it’s still there. I want to cry. I want to lie down and sob. My heart hurts thinking of Gidget’s brother again. It hurts thinking about all that time I spent with their whole family. My love of iguanas came from him because he had one. I wanted one, too.

At some point, that sweet, sad song will be replaced by something else. Until then, I am allowing myself to feel a little blue. Just a little. I cannot let it consume me like it wants to. I know what doing so will do to me. If I sound a little low for the next couple days, you’ll understand why.

Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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