The Seriously Ugly:
Because I was sobbing, Choo-choo began sobbing. “Why are you crying, Mommy?” he asked between sobs. I couldn’t even answer him.
It was such a big mess in that truck with me crying, Choo-choo crying, and Diesel silently fuming. Then Choo-choo started pressuring me about that darn toy again. I was crying too hard to answer.
Diesel was so fed up at this point that he slammed on the brakes and stopped the truck in the middle of the road. (There were no cars coming, so we were not in any danger.) He yelled at Choo-choo to stop and threatened to take every single toy away from him if he didn’t.
So what did my precocious three year old do? He kept on nagging at me, obviously.
We arrived home a few minutes later, nearly all in tears. As soon as we walked into the living room, Diesel started tossing Choo-choo’s toys into the other room. Box after box was emptied from what is essentially our son’s playroom.
I yelled at my husband to stop, telling him this was not the answer to the problem. I also told him it vividly reminded me of the time my dad put all my stuff (and I mean all my stuff) into garbage bags one day when I was a kid because I didn’t clean my disaster-area of a room like I was told.
This did nothing to stop my husband from clearing all of Choo-choo’s toys out, leaving only books and puzzles behind. Choo-choo cried, of course, and I was still crying from before.
Then it got worse.
Didn’t think this was quite possible, right?
Yeah, me either.
Diesel reamed into me about the things I do that he doesn’t like. I, unfortunately, did the same to him. Harsh words were
said shouted, and I stormed upstairs. Just not before a rather hateful f bomb or two left my mouth. (Not my proudest moment, I know.)
So then Diesel decided to follow me upstairs to yell at me for cursing in front of Choo-choo, which led to more arguing and lots more resentment on my side. I was so angry that I stayed upstairs for the next four or five hours, leaving my room only to get a snack from the kitchen and use the bathroom. In that time, I worked, I wrote, I colored in the squares of a calendar page to look like a checker board. There was absolutely no way I was going to spend any more time with Diesel than I had to.
Well, I didn’t realize then that we would be going out to dinner later that night. And I did own up to having cussed in Choo-choo’s presence. I apologized as well, to both of them. Diesel were on speaking terms, civil terms, but nowhere near being a happy, loving couple. I was still mad at him, and I suspected he was still mad at me. I even asked him if this was true while at the restaurant, but he didn’t want to discuss it right then.
I slept on the sofa that night. I also avoided him for a while the next day when he returned home from work.
Eventually, though, I hugged my husband and told him I still love him. He said he still loves me, too. We had this remaining tension between us though. I wasn’t sure what to do about it or how to bring the subject up without either of us flipping out again.
That night, when Choo-choo was already asleep, Diesel and I got into the nitty gritty.
No harsh words were uttered. There was no name-calling or yelling. Just open, honest answers and feelings. Truths were shared. Misunderstandings were cleared up. We both promised to work on certain issues. And I came to a decision.
You might have noticed that there was no new post on Tuesday. I really, really, really hated that I missed a day. In the beginning around the time I started this blog, I promised myself I would have at least one new post every single day for a year. That was my goal. Some posts were published at 11 something at night just so I could keep my promise to myself.
Problem is, Diesel doesn’t like how much time I spend on the computer and iPad working on here and in blogging groups. And honestly, I do spend more time online that I should. Like, way more time.
I seriously hate admitting this because then it means I have been doing something I promised my husband wouldn’t happen. (It also means he was right and I was wrong, but let’s just skim over that right now…)
So here’s my decision: I am no longer going to publish a new post every single day. It’s just so time-consuming and truthfully overwhelming to keep doing so. I never even hit my six month goal. I am only a few weeks away from six months, but really, lasting until then is probably not a good idea for me.
There will be at least three new posts a week, maybe four. I will have to figure out what schedule I want. I will definitely have new posts on Mondays. This means that there won’t be anything new on here until next Monday.
I feel an enormous amount of guilt about this. But then, the majority of this blog is about my mental health. I can’t be as healthy as possible if I feel stressed and overwhelmed all the time and not do anything to remedy the situation. Plus, I am hoping a couple days off a week will give me more time with Choo-choo and Diesel.
I really hope you all understand and stay with me through this. Maybe someday I will be able to up the number of posts. Until then, I am going to try and keep track of any positive or even negative changes this mini-break gives me.
So I guess I will see you all here on Monday!