When I let jealousy get the best of me (and learned a big lesson in the aftermath)

P1030721I sometimes find myself jealous of other women’s husbands. Not in THAT way! Just in that I hear and read all these stories of mothers explaining how their husbands help clean around the house and help take care of the children. I didn’t always feel like Diesel did any of this. A lot of the time, I felt like he did NONE of this.

Diesel used to help clean the house, but due to my OCD, he stopped. He felt like he never did it “right,” never the way I wanted it.

Of course, this brought on feelings of guilt on my part for being mad at him over an issue I created.

I learned how to not be mad at him for not cleaning. I mean, he does take out the recycling and the trash (and now the diaper stinkies) and occasionally starts a load of laundry or dishes. The fact that he mows the lawn, fixes all the vehicles, and works hard to support our family more than makes up for him not wanting to fold a load of clothes.

I accepted all of this.

Then we became parents.

Even through the painful pregnancy and depression, I still had such high ideals that Diesel and I were going to partners in every aspect of parenthood. Everything was going to be 50-50. We would take turns with baths, diapers, bedtime, even feeding when Choo-choo was no longer nursing.

But when Diesel started spending most of the day outside two weeks after Choo-choo was born, my hope of a full partnership shattered. Now, before you get mad at him, he did it for a specific reason. Since Diesel’s schedule requires him to be at work at odd hours, he wanted us both to be sure I could handle taking care of Choo-choo all by myself.

It didn’t feel like this, however, even with my mind knowing the reason why. I felt abandoned. I felt like I was on my own in parenthood.

Over three years later, I still found myself feeling like I did all the parenting myself. I read stories of how husbands worked all day but still helped with the kids and the houses and the meals, and I found myself getting jealous and angry. Why couldn’t my husband do things like that???

Then I made myself really stop and think. Did my husband never, ever do anything?

Well, of course not.

In over three years’ time, he has helped with many bath times, countless diapers, and more meals than I can remember. He has also taken Choo-choo with him to run errands or buy groceries so that I could have some quiet alone time.

Most recently, Diesel has given Choo-choo his showers and gotten him into bed because I was feeling a bit under the weather.

I mean, if that doesn’t scream “parenting partnership,” I don’t know what does. It might not be exactly 50-50 all day every day, but in the end, it all balances out.

So, was it my depression that caused me to not see Diesel’s  involvement? Or was it just me being blind due to my jealousy of other relationships?

I honestly don’t know.

What I do know is that I will no longer let myself be blinded to my husband’s wonderful qualities and contributions to our family. I am not going to let myself fall into the unkind trap of thinking, “Oh, my husband never does that!” He does so much more than I ever give him credit for. I will love him forever because of this and a million other reasons ❤️


Author: stepbackandbreathe33

I am a writer, mother, wife, and fighter in the battle against depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.

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