My life today

I really don’t have any words for how I feel today. I woke up from my third night in a row of emergency, only when I absolutely need it Xanax sleep. I slept through the time of taking my other nighttime meds.

Choo-choo is with Diesel doing something fun even though he was told yesterday Continue reading “My life today”

Respect

I have been working so hard, attempting to improve my health and my moods, attempting to be the best mom and wife I can be, all the while following my passion that is writing. Today I failed. Miserably. Most especially with Choo-choo.

Yes, he is a toddler. Yes, this is a very trying time. But today it was more than that. It is abundantly clear that he does not respect me. Continue reading “Respect”

The state of this world

I’ve been avoiding talking about the events that have recently occurred in America. This is not because I don’t care. I care immensely about people, both in my country and around the world. So much so that I find myself in a catch-22, avoiding the news because it hurts too much to know what is happening yet unable and unwilling to turn a blind eye. Continue reading “The state of this world”

Out of the shadows

As Diesel, Choo-choo, and I were leaving our house headed to a car show Sunday morning, Diesel stopped the truck at the end of the driveway. I looked at him in surprise as he told me, “Go look by the porch.”

That’s it. Just “Go look by the porch,” but no reason for doing so.

With confusion dripping from my every pore, I unbuckled my seat belt, exited the truck, and walked to where he told me. There I found this:

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Let me just say we have never, ever seen this plant in our yard before. We have peonies, black-eyed Susans, Queen Anne’s lace, and many others. Hydrangeas, however, have never been among the mix.

Or so we thought.

Apparently, after our corner tree was cut down by our town due to its rot and safety hazard possibility, enough light was able to stream through our thick forest of ferns for this gorgeous flower to bloom. Had the tree stayed, we never would have seen this blossom again.

Isn’t it funny how that happens? I mean, there we were hating the tree yet sad to see it go. It had taken years for that one day to come when it was chopped up, most of it pulverized into dust. And all that time, all those moments of us thinking maybe we wanted to hold on to a dying, rotting, pain in the butt, there was a beautiful life hiding in the shadows, unable to set itself free.

This speaks to me in so many ways right now. Of the messes I’ve tried to hold on to. Of being afraid to see what lie beneath the familiar darkness. Of the beauty and joy that can grow and blossom if allowed.

If any of you have been stuck hiding in the shadows, know that it’s okay to peek out into the light. It’s okay to let in as much light as you need. It might feel scary and intimidating and uncomfortable, but the life that follows will be so worth it. YOU are so worth it.

The battle over food

Lately, I have been fighting my emotional eating.

You see, every time Choo-choo acts up or throws a fit or even pushes me to tears, I want sweets. I want to stuff my face with anything that tastes like it will make me gain 50 pounds, which in fact already happened to me. Continue reading “The battle over food”

More meds, more problems

I have been working with my doctors and NP’s to figure out the correct medication and dosages in my battle with depression and anxiety.

A year after I started anti-depressants, I find I am still struggling with a lot of issues. I haven’t been all that happy with my psychiatrist since he  Continue reading “More meds, more problems”

The “what ifs” in life

What if? What if?? What if???

This question has been nagging at me lately. My OCD brings it on, and my depression wallows in it. It’s an obsessive thought that runs rampant if I let it. Continue reading “The “what ifs” in life”