My thoughts after the Women’s Retreat

So, I’ve told you what the retreat was all about. I mean, I learned so many things during and because of it. I now have new tools to help combat stress and let go of the past. I discovered that so many women suffer in silence while dealing with the same or similar fears, worries, and stresses. I learned new things about Continue reading “My thoughts after the Women’s Retreat”

Late night revelation

Asleep Woman Lying on Bed

My bed is calling to me right now. Choo-choo kept me up for two and a half hours in the middle of the night. No matter how many times I rocked him, sang to him, cuddled with him, and gave him hugs and kisses, he just wouldn’t lie in his bed for longer than ten or so minutes without yelling for me again.

I was angry and frustrated about it. I mean, come on. He deprived me of nearly three hours of desperately needed sleep.

Then I started to think. Continue reading “Late night revelation”

Having a mid-anger crisis

I lost it. I totally freaking lost it. Choo-choo and I had two nearly perfect days, then I snapped.

Portrait of exhausted woman

After being called up to his room for the twentieth time in half an hour during nap time, all my hard work went into the toilet. Continue reading “Having a mid-anger crisis”

Respect

I have been working so hard, attempting to improve my health and my moods, attempting to be the best mom and wife I can be, all the while following my passion that is writing. Today I failed. Miserably. Most especially with Choo-choo.

Yes, he is a toddler. Yes, this is a very trying time. But today it was more than that. It is abundantly clear that he does not respect me.

Close up portrait of a little boy screaming out loud Continue reading “Respect”

Let me clear my throat

When I am frustrated and cannot express it verbally because I don’t want it to become a big blow up, I clear my throat. It’s usually a hard kind of clear, too, one that I have been using a lot lately.

Diesel hears it sometimes and asks what’s wrong. But like I said, the whole point of doing it is to avoid a fight, so I don’t tell him. Very passive-aggressive of me, I know.

I have already angrily cleared my throat 3 times this morning because of Choo-choo. Doing it too much does actually make my throat hurt, but it feels better than the alternative sometimes.

Now you see me, now you don’t

Insignificance. There’s nothing quite like it.

Already today, my son has hit me with his toys three times simply because he didn’t notice I was there. I had tried to move out of the way, but Choo-choo wasn’t paying attention to my whereabouts. I don’t blame him, of course, and I know for certain that his inattention was not on purpose. He was busy playing happily and never meant to hurt me.

Still, I already have an issue with feeling invisible. And it’s even worse when those feelings stem from my own child.

I often notice how very little Choo-choo listens to me at times. Granted, it is usually about things he doesn’t want to hear, like “wash your hands” or “pick up your toys” or “it’s time to go now.” But speaking to someone and knowing they aren’t listening is something that really breaks my heart and my spirit.

Then there are the moments where I am left out completely and, from my point of view, intentionally. There was an incident that happened quite a while ago. I was in a room with Diesel, Choo-choo, and some others. Choo-choo was playing next to me. One person was talking to Choo-choo as if I wasn’t there, even in the words they said. I don’t want to give specifics because I never found the courage to speak up to them about it, but my heart was temporarily shattered.

“How can you not see me?” I thought. “How do I not exist to you right now?”

I still haven’t fully recovered from this. I also haven’t mentioned this issue to that person, ever. I haven’t even really told others about it. It’s a difficult topic that would inevitably lead to a messy discussion that I’m not sure I am ready for.

I will say this, though. I know I am not alone in the world. I know my child is not nor will he ever be alone, either. I will do all I can to make sure he never feels like he is.

And I want to tell you all that you are not alone, either. No matter our issues, no matter how much we feel abandoned or invisible, someone cares. It took only one person to shatter me. However, it can also take only one person to pull someone out into the light of joy. Choo-choo will always be that one for me, and I hope to be that one for him and also for whoever needs me.

I won’t give up on my life. I won’t give up the fight because I know I deserve to. We all deserve to.

The ugly green mom-ster

Sometimes, I have a burning, almost uncontrollable rage inside me. I’m angry about so many things. I’m angry about my past. I am angry about my birth plan being shot to hell. I’m angry about having suffered for so long with no help. But most of all, I’m angry about not having felt understood.

It might be a total cliché, but I often feel like Bruce Banner, who turns into The Hulk when stressed or ticked off. I really do think sometimes if one could see me in the moment, I’d look like a bulging, green monster.

The normal me feels weak and unappreciated but hates how enraged and emotional my other side is. The alter ego me is brimming with palpable frustration to the point I feel as if I might implode and hates my normal, every day weaknesses.

I have tried many different ways to deal with my anger. I do the deep breathing, of course. I also take a moment to step out of the room when Choo-choo is safe so I can have a bit of a calming break. I have tried cardio workouts, including cardio drumming, in order to express my rage in a healthy way.

The one I have really been thinking about going back to is Yogalates. It is a combination of yoga and Pilates that I have found in the past to be extremely relaxing. I often napped after a full Yogalates session.

In the end, no matter which calming exercise I try, I know I will not be “The Hulk” forever.