I have been working so hard, attempting to improve my health and my moods, attempting to be the best mom and wife I can be, all the while following my passion that is writing. Today I failed. Miserably. Most especially with Choo-choo.

Yes, he is a toddler. Yes, this is a very trying time. But today it was more than that. It is abundantly clear that he does not respect me. Continue reading “Respect”

The battle over food

Lately, I have been fighting my emotional eating.

You see, every time Choo-choo acts up or throws a fit or even pushes me to tears, I want sweets. I want to stuff my face with anything that tastes like it will make me gain 50 pounds, which in fact already happened to me. Continue reading “The battle over food”

My little Destructor

Choo-choo and I found ourselves in a situation the other day about naptime. I knew he needed to sleep. He vehemently disagreed. I left him in the safety of his bed so I could step away and take more than a few deep breaths. Continue reading “My little Destructor”

Late to bed, early to rise

We had a long weekend last week. Choo-choo went to sleep hours after bedtime both Friday and Saturday night despite all efforts to put him in bed sooner. He was so exhausted but fought it. After two busy days coupled with no naps, I thought for sure he’d sleep in Sunday morning. Continue reading “Late to bed, early to rise”

My heart’s desire

Well, my emotional heart’s temporary desire: food, specifically chocolate. Close up of a cup of tea with roses and chocolate candies on woo

Food has been a big comfort to me, for better or worse. When I am stressed, it is the first thing I feel a need for. While I was breast-feeding Choo-choo, I was limited in food choices due to his milk/soy allergies. My go-to stress food back then was marshmallows. Bags and bags of marshmallows.

Any time I felt the need to either scream or cry, I grabbed a handful of marshmallows and ate one after another until the feeling subsided. Most often, I ate and cried at the same time.

Once Choo-choo was weaned, I had a new world of stress foods opened up to me. Unfortunately, I took advantage. Anything and everything was my new go-to food. I once ate three bags of mini doughnuts in one day. I’ve devoured bags of chips in one sitting. Frankie Heck has containers of frosting; I have jars of Nutella. My last jar, the largest I have ever seen, didn’t live in this house a week before it was all gone.

It wasn’t always this way, though. I craved a lot of healthy foods during my pregnancy. Kale, apples, bananas, berries. I still gained a lot of weight, though. Almost 60 pounds. More than half that was gone two months later, but the rest remained. Then I was on a soy free/dairy free diet along with Choo-choo, and though I was hungry all the time, almost all the rest of the weight melted off. I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes.

Like I said, though, once he weaned, I ate everything I’d been deprived of for at least 6 months. The pounds returned with a vengeance. When I finally realized that I needed to do something about it, I was already outgrowing every item of clothing I owned, maternity clothes included. I became part of a group of friends who encourage each other in workouts and weight loss goals. I bought a bunch of fitness videos. I dug out others I’d had great success with before pregnancy. I asked Diesel to buy me a fitness tracker for Christmas.

With all of this, however, I still struggle. Food is such a comfort to me. It also occupies my mouth to keep me from yelling until I am calm enough to speak with kindness and compassion.

I am now at my heaviest weight ever outside of pregnancy. My original wedding rings no longer fit after pregnancy, so Diesel bought me a wedding band for our anniversary. That is now so tight it has dug a permanent ring into my finger. I recently had to buy a big portion of a new wardrobe because nothing else fit. Not exactly the way I envisioned updating my closet space.

After months of just, “I don’t care. It sucks. I hate this, and I’m going wallow,” I am finally steering myself back on track again. I started cooking healthier meals for me and my family, including vegetarian/vegan meals I hadn’t prepared in far too long. I have started eating more salads again. I add fruits and vegetables to my day wherever possible.

I realized I actually should eat more like Choo-choo. I feed him the healthiest meals I can (at least 95% of the time). He loves fruits, some veggies, beans, sunflower seed butter, and cheese. He eats very little meat and rarely gets anything with unhealthy fats in it.

It will take me a lot of time, I know, but I finally feel worth it. I think that was part of my struggle before. I didn’t feel I deserved to lose all the weight I in some ways forced myself to gain. Hopefully, in six months, or even three, I will have a good progress update for you. I plan on working on myself either way.

Let me clear my throat

When I am frustrated and cannot express it verbally because I don’t want it to become a big blow up, I clear my throat. It’s usually a hard kind of clear, too, one that I have been using a lot lately.

Diesel hears it sometimes and asks what’s wrong. But like I said, the whole point of doing it is to avoid a fight, so I don’t tell him. Very passive-aggressive of me, I know.

I have already angrily cleared my throat 3 times this morning because of Choo-choo. Doing it too much does actually make my throat hurt, but it feels better than the alternative sometimes.